Aline

hm. things are changing. I feel like a new person everytime I update, and this is especially the case now. (even though i dont update alot... at all, really)

in any case, things are "hunkering down", so to speak. I'm getting used to tj. High school is just like another school, I'm not so intimidated anymore. My IBET rotation, the kids I have half my classes with, are becoming more closely intertwined, and I'm also getting used to them, so it's cool. My art is progressing nicely, and apart from the fact I'm failing Japanese (literally), and it's pretty stressful wuth school work, it's fine.

I've given up on hping that things will "get better" at home. After so long of pining for a time when my worst worries will be the latest test or some petty drama with my friends. It's just a joke. Im thankful that most people don't know me at tj, so I'm not so affected by my past as I was at hughes. Things with my mother are becoming more and more strained, we have arguments more often, mostly when she starts obsessing to me about my dad and us having to "save him" and all the pain, ect. ect, and I'm just too tired and stressed out to listen. Last weekend my dad went to the back to school night for tj, which was simultaneously really sweet, painful, sad and hopeful. I was glad that he came, but by my mother's report it didnt sound likehe was doing to good. She told me that he's probably suicidal, which I admit I just can't deal with. If he killed himself... I wouldn't be suprised, but I dont htink I could cope with the after effects, the guilt, and the blow it would have to my siblings and my mother... we would snap. I would collapse.

It's fustrating on such a deep level that I cannot seperate my lives, and not owrry about one when I'm immersed in the other. When the simple act of getting a permission slip signed is sheer hell on earth, how am I supposed to even think about things I want to do for school, like makeup head for drama or portrait study, let alone homecoming? It's just all too fucked up, and I know I have to take one day at a time. It's just that that's what I've been doing all my life- how can I learn to live, and enjoy life?

hmm, its been awhile since ive posted. tj has been great. the workload is crazy, but i like being there. the only issue i really have is with some of the kids i think might be suspected homophobics. which might be a problem if they are to be friends with me. but whatever.

im looking to join amnesty club and the drama department with a possible opening or "apprentenceship" for head of makeup. but we'll see. still working on my portraits, but everythings okay.

the pristine, perfecting lines not shown on her face
revealed the deep, disgusting lies that made her life a race

this morning i slept forever, because i was so tired after ther first week of tj. i dreamt of three main characters- a HUGE lion, a blind girl made out of metal, and a third girl who was very amphibian, almost as if she had gills. there was also a third girl, with blond spikey hair whose feet were rollerblades. she was very fast, and looked a bit like madonna. anyway, the three main characters were very close, like soulmates. we were all guarding a gold key, from these shadow beings who needed it. the key was for a golden gate, behind which lived a town of little girls with golden hair and dresses. we had to stop them from getting the key. the dream was very long, and very intense- but unfortunately i forget most of it. what i do remember is the final climactic scene, where the three main characters are in a venice-like city. the rollerblader girl is racing through the city, holding the key, an she does all these complex tricks to get away from the mob chasing after the key. the dream was very emotional, so when the skater girl gets to the dock and throws the key to the boat with the three main characters in it the instant before she was ripped limb from limb by the black shadow things, i felt like i was crying in my sleep. which i dont do. anyway, the dream was very gruesome, and i watched her being eated slowly, until the only thing that was left was her bloody scalp laying on the dock. the three characters were sailing the boat as fast as they could to get out of the city, which was being consumed gruesomely by the black characters. during this part i became the amphibian girl, and was doing my best to keep the black creatures from latching onto the boat. one really smart ninja guy was swimming after the boat , and latched onto the bottom of it. i swam below the boat in order to get him off, and i did, but he had planted a bomb in the rudder, so i screamed to the lion and the metal girl, and then tossed my knife up to them, ripped the rudder off and started swimming off with it. the lion started roaring, because apperantly i loved him or something, and the ninja guy swam atfer me. the water was very clear, like carribean water, i managed to throw the rudder safely away, but in doing so the ninja guy caught up with me, and cut off my long blue hair, which then turned black like his. i ran away into the now dead city, and hid myself. i knew i could never see the lion again, and eventually grew into an old woman and died, far from any water, because if i went near the water the ninja guy would regognize me and torture me into giving away the lion's secrets. anyway, back to the boat, where the lion was currently like being broken hearted, was killing alot of the black creepy guys, but the metal girl commited suicide with the key and turned herself into a solid metal rod with the key inside, so noone would ever unlock the gate. the lion, now all alone, ran off to another city, hiding himself. the gate to the gold girl city was eventually overcome anyway, the innocent doll-girls were eaten anyway. the creepy black things became part of every person, so everyone had that bloodthirstiness in them. the lion lived in a royal garden, hiding himself always. the lion was immortal, doomed to see the black creatures in every body he saw, and always missing his lost love.

i was really saddened by this dream.

first day. it was really weird, seeing everyone at south lakes and then just jumping on a bus to thomas jefferson. the only kids coming there from hughes are all the people in my math class- hardcore nerds and preppy people. plus timur, whose cool, but thats about it. Im used to starting new schools, but of course it's a bit nerve wrecking, especially since it's my first time in an american highschool. even though tj isnt really a typical high school.

my classes sound okay, the teachers are cool, my elective are the best, and overall i think ill be fine. im especially looking foreward to art, where the teacher is going to tutor me in renissance portraits in acryllic and possibly oil if he can win his argument with the administration about health policies. so that is definately something im really looking foreward to.

the school day is just so damn long, i come home at 5, which is insane. i am afraid that im going ot have a hard time holding on to the friends at sl- its going to be hard. i hope i can meet people half as fucking awesome at tj. once i can wade through all the scaringly perfect plastics and guys under 5'00 who obviously love drawling out math answers in a really convincing down syndrome voice, i hope i can find some people that will make my life at tj really worthwile. even if they happen to be art freaks. like me, except with talent. ah, we'll see.

oh, and i kept meeting people from 2nd and 3rd grade. these people came up to me and were like, hey you were that elephant in that play in 2nd grade, or i used to draw mice on the walls with you in 3rd grade, edt. ect. too bad im still a freshman, because i have the worst luck when it comes to moving from different countries. arghck.

Took a 7 hour long course today, becoming a professional rescuer, certified in CPR/AED and a bunch of other stuff. It was really cool, and kind of intense. My job paid for it, because they want be certified so that I can be like certified to be onduty for a bunch of stuff... Yeah, well I passed well, and Im happy.

The scary thing is, if something happens, I have to help, I am not allowed to walk away, since I am certified. Its a scary responsibility, so I was so focused during the whole class. An AED is one of those machines public places usually hold, its a portable device which I can now use to jump starts peoples hearts if they go into cardiac arrest. you know those electric shocker things you see on er and crap? yeah, well now I can use one. pretty intimidating, huh?


so, besides all that, I went to tj yesterday for the orientation... holy shit, its overwhelming. There are SO MANY things to do, and after you're there for 15 mins you get sucked in, and before you know it youre like wnting to get super involved... its unnerving, but i think that im definately going to like it there, especially since my art teacher appears to be pretty cool, and i have a small class. anyway, im not even going to get started, because theres just too much.

yaaaaawn okay im awake. today has been one of those days where it takes me FOREVER to actually get out of bed- its just such a nice feeling. one thing i love about virginia is the cicadas. and my cat. its like im undder some drug. but anyway, i do have alot of work to do, like sorting out my closet... :[ I really don't think I knew what I was getting into when I started this. but it needs to be done.

my writing is so dysfunctional and broken- I sound self conceited and really confusing, like im having a conversation with myself. hopefully ill learn to articulate myself in a better way eventually.

I feel good today- I don't have any particular reason, I just am. You know how usually you have to remind yourself of something good to come in order for you to feel good? Well, usually I have to do that too, but today is just one of those good days. What I love about mornings is that I dont have to talk to anyone, it's just me and my cat, alone. However, at around 12 or one my mom comes home, and then the whole show starts- work, siblings, noisenoise, running around nonstop. Agh. Since every day is exactly te same, apart form an occasional emotional breakdown in the family, school zooms closer. I have what, like 2 weeks left? I have so much shit to do.

SO, yesterday I finally got out of my system what was bugging me so much. My bigsib from tj- (its a program where a "bigsib", a sophmore from tj, shows the littlesib, incoming freshmen (me) around the school, and we meet up and whatever.) anyway, my bigsib and i were going to meet up, with some other bigsiblittlesib "couples" or whatever. My mom was going to drive me, but in the middle of everything, she has an emotional breakdown, this time about the heat in the car or something. after we get home, my moms like "you can still go". But i was so fucking tired of her shit. I am really close to my mom, after all the shit with my dad, she was the only person in the world I could count on. She raised four kids, which is pretty amazing considering the circumstances. I am devoted to her, and for years I fended off everyone else around me, like in school, where I refused to make one friend. I was so anal, all the time, because of the fact that I could not seperate home life from the rest of my life. I had to shut myself off from everything emotional at home, but unlike most other kids (or so Ive heard), I cannot cut of my home life as soon as I walk out the door. Instead, I chose not to have any other life. I twas just too much for me to handle. If I let someone in to my life, and showed that I cared about them, I would unleash a whole flood of emotion I had been working so hard to control. Of course, this didnt always work, and yeah, I did have several emotional breakdowns in school, which set the stage for some weird friendships the proceeding year. Anyway, back to the original subject, since I only had my home life (the fucked up family and uh thing with my dad and whatnot), I was always focused on my mom. if she slipped, i would do my best to support her, and the other way around. We survived. Now, when life is at least a little more stable, I realized that I had to loosen the shell a bit, or it would be like a yugoslav war reffugee living in a suburb. so, i relaxed, and let the few friends I had come closer to me. My friends used to call me the lion, because I was always quiet and withdrawn, until someone provoked me, and I would attack. It sounds cool, but it was pretty lame. most of the time people were just afraid of me. I was afraid of myself. Anyway, now that ive relaxed a bit, and am starting to grow more, my mother and I come in to conflict more often. shes breaking a shell at the same time I am, and Im not always able to stay at home and take cre of the kids all the time so she can go out, and viceversa. Its made for some pretty explosive arguments. Also, Im afraid that when I start tj, and Ill need support, because im going to be gone all day and sometimes ill need to do things for school, and at the same time itll be some crisis at home, and i wont be able to deal with both at the same time. anyway, after the bigsib thing i sat down with my mom and explained this- it was such a relief. she told me to have faith that everything would work out- of course i know this is the only thing i can do- but i am still harboring fears. its just something i have to deal with.

whoa, well. that was long. and probably really confusing. i cant really explain my life, in a any case, because i cant understand it myself sometimes anyway, so itll just have to be like that. i need to go take a shower.

today was cool. I like being outside, even though it's really hot out, but it's good. Uh yeah, my dad came over, and i did see him- but hes under total control from his family. Im tired of the english. its so sad- they treat him like their property (you know those parents?), and they have to "protect their investment" from a broke single mom with four kids. :|

so whatever, i dont care. filming was fun, except for that wierd shit with gabe... i know its probably not even about me, but there is some thing going on, and i probably dont want to know about it. whatever, i really couldnt care less about what gabe thinks of me. its all in his head, anyway.

so, its cool.

the post last night was pretty harsh- of course living with my mom is great, shes a wonderful person, and everything. its a damn sight better than living with my dad, thats for fucking sure. im grateful to her.

uh, my dad is now back in our lives, at least on the phone... like theres a fucking chance im going to talk to him, unless my mom forces me too, which is likely. fuck. fuck. i hate families.

im getting out of the house today, i dont care how or what, i just need to get the fuck out of here.

godfucking damnit, i am tired of the whole imasinglemother routine. it gets so fucking ass old, and its just tiring. i know that i can't be as lax and have the same privilges because i live in this kind of household, but my mom just makes some kind of statement, like she has special needs because her life is so hard. of course its fucking hard, if anyone knows, it's me. she just needs to get past that whole dynamic. just because you fit that demographic, doesn't mean you have an excuse to not be a normal fucking human being. ive been through so much shit with her, i just wish she would respect that, and leave all of this fucking shit behind her, I mean, who'se the teenager in the relationship? She has these massive pmses where if i walk into a room, im giving her attitude, and taking her life for granted. If I ask her anything simple, like wondering if its possible to get a ride, i get 2 hour tirades for not appreciating the work she does. thats just after i cleaned up the kitchen and put the kids in the bath and put them to bed, while you were laying on the sofa because youre so tired of your life. i really dont care that i dont have a life, i just wish she wouldn't point out to me so harshly, since i dont think it makes anyone feel better. she should fucking well follow the rules she sets out for me, instead of being a hypocritical bitch. sometimes i wish i didn't love her and care for her so much, and that i didnt always make her feel super appreciated, so that the one day i dont live up to the work i did for yher yesterday, she still knows i love her. i know its stressful for her, believe me, i feel every after effect of her stress, but i also know that she has the full capability to deal with it, and if you look at it in perspective, it really isnt that bad, compared to most single moms out there. i know that its also some old childhood fears coming out, but she really doesn't have an excuse for not dealing with them. i wish i could feel like the immature one in front of my parents for a change, or fast forward where i can get out of the house on my own. for now, ill just deal with it, whether she does or not. i have no other choice.

on a much lighter note, i have fun today. it shows how different i am now compared to how fucking anal i was before. snakes on a plane was a good movie, but it was carried mostly by samuels acting. the idea was new, and its a good movie to see in the movietheatre, but in the long run, i liked flightplan more. that line he used was good though.

sorry about the rant, it was pretty much a bundle of self pity, and before i would have never dared post something personal like that on the internet, but now i dont give a shit. night.